I was reading another blog about how when you marry a person with kids you don’t marry them “for” the kids but “in spite of ” of their kids. When i read it I had to do a little jump because this is exactly how i feel. I didn’t realize how much stress and responsibility was going to be laid on me. I think the step parents is sometimes look at the as the reason why the parents are not together so the step parents has to go over and beyond what the parents do to be accepted by the child and ex. After 7 years I had to step out of the position that the world has made me be and play the part that I fit into. I am the supplemental parent. Legally, I have to say so to this child and cannot make any decisions regarding this child. If my husband passed away today, the custody order would become null and void and her mom would not have any obligation to me or my kids. So with that being said, step parents stop trying to fit into a role that does not belong to you. You are the spouse of the a parent that is trying to co parent with an ex. More times than not, its not a joyful split and their is pain and anger. Step back and just listen. Don’t force it just, just get in where you fit in.
Lesson 1: Fighting is Futile!!
Becoming a blending family can be hard but it can very rewarding at the same time. As an adult you have to know when it is ok to be one family. That doesn’t mean be a family on Monday and not Tuesday, but it means that when there are kids involved you can’t be one happy family immediately. You have to take into consideration the kids feelings. When we joined together as puzzled pieces, My daughter, T, didn’t have a father around so her adjustment to Eric was very easy. Eric’s daughter, K, was a little different. See he was married and divorced but he was in K life the whole time so it was a little difficult at first. Well, let me honest, it would have been an easier transition if her mother was more supportive of her daughter having a healthy relationship with her dad outside the marriage(Only in a perfect world). Well, it was many court battles, mud-slinging and dad bashing that hurt the way K looked at us as a blended family. Not ever did I want to replace someone’s mother ( I was already a mother so trust me I had my hands full with the T) I didn’t want her to feel left out and be as equal as T was. After many parent counseling visits and attempted conversations with K mother, it feel on deaf ears. She didn’t really want what was best for K, she wanted to make Eric miserable and turn K against her daddy. That hurt me heart so much that I was going to decide to end our relationship because I didn’t want a child to be hurt because one parent decided to move on. Eric refuse to let negativity ruin our relationship or his relationship with his daughter. Well, four years later we are still dealing with madness but we have a foundation of GOD and it doesn’t bother us anymore. We laugh and say GOD bless and focus on raising these children the best way we can.
My advice: Don’t ever let an outsider destroy the inside. Put the Kids first and make sure they are reminded of how much you love them. Even if they are told the opposite, children are not crazy, they will know the truth.
Welcome to my blog!! I am so excited about putting my thoughts, experience and emotions out there for the world to judge. My name is Kenya Thomas and I am married to the love of my life Eric. We both had two daughters from previous relationships when we met and know we have a daughter together. We have been married 2 years and together for almost 4 years. This is beginning of my journey with you, about the journey of us.
The reason why I named this blog shaken and not stirred (no I am not a James Bond fan) is because we all know the difference when we receive items that have not been blended well. For example, have you ever received a strawberry lemonade at a restaurant and all this strawberry syrup is at the bottom of your cup and you begin to stir it with your straw. Well, the strawberry syrup never gets blended all the way through. You have more syrup at the bottom versus when you start drinking. I figured it the waitresses would have shaking the ingredients together they would have been evenly distributed and you would have a perfect beverage.
The brings me to my point, when I started to date my husband and he asked me to marry him, I knew we had to blend our children together into one household. I didn’t want to just stir them in and the feelings, rules, and understanding didn’t get distributed through them. They were 5 at the time, so it was easy but hard at the same time(I will get to the bad soon). I wanted them to know that I love them and that they are equal and they will receive the same love, chores, respect, discipline, encouragement, and advice.
So please tune into all my stories and experience I have had to deal with when it came to being a Stepparent.